A Partial View

I have been feeling into how incomplete my perspective is on my place in the world, and how this can change one day to the next, or at times, it can feel immovable in a place from which my capacity to move on is limited.

For many years, I have sat in the same pew in church, singing with the other choir members from the tenor row at the back.

In recent weeks, due to coronavirus, there has been no singing and so I have sat in a variety of places which are in the main, very unfamiliar.

The pillars, obscure the view from my seat in some places of the altar, or the giant crucifix, an outstrecthed arm missing some weeks or the head, or perhaps it is the priests chair, or the lectern which I cannot see.

I have to adapt, to these changes in my view, by either accepting it, or leaning my head to either side to give myself for a few moments a glimpse of a wider reality than I have in my sedentary partial view.

I have been consumed for a number of years with the partial view of my identity, it has unfolded within me into an acceptance and at times into a longing which has brought with it the deepest of pains.

My wife, has a partial view of my truth, knowing it, but not accepting it, wanting to control it and manage it, and unable to free herself from the times when my behaviour has caused her pain.

I don’t think that either of us in a combined sense, have a full view of our situation.

If we were to find the courage to try to join our partial views, we’d still have to negotiate our understanding, obscured by the pillar which is the mystery of my sexuality, but if each of us could move our heads from side to side, to get a better view, then it stands to reason that our combined view of the whole would be increased, if we shared our insight to fill the gaps.

I have learned in my coaching experience, which has enriched my life, that I can never take the moods or actions of one day and define my life by them.

Tomorrow, does not forget yesterday, but instead it has the capacity to bring something new which will change a perspective, soften a stance, turn into something or turn away, always grappling to find sure ground, solid ground, grounded ground, from which to alter the partial view.

William Defoe